Introduction

Hi. My name is Seán. At least that's how it should be written. We'll stick with Sean, for now because I'd rather not have to type all the HTML needed to get á every time! It means "old" but it also means "John" - the youngest Apostle. Some folks call me "Sean Og" which means "Sean Junior". I don't have a dad named Sean, however. I think it's a joke - Sean Og also mean "Old Young".

Anyway. Sean it is.

I'm writing this to explore some stuff. My Family is Orthodox. I'm not "cradle" orthodox so much as "Kindergarden" Orthodox. But Close enough. The family got upset over the Church of Ireland ordaining women in 1991. Here I am. Here, of course, is not Ireland, any more. We're in New Jersey. I'm going to be vague because, naturally, there are not many Irish Orthodox convert families here, I don't mean to be outed just yet, thanks.

The name "Royal Struggle" would have been in Irish: Rí Rá. But, rira and ri-ra were both taken as blog names, so here it is As Bearla, as they say.

The struggle is what to believe. I'm not sure I believe anything. My parents want me to be a priest and, apart from the nice idea of a job for life, it seems silly to be trying to do something I don't believe. Or do I? What is belief? What is faith? It might help if I could just "go along". I could get a wife, father some children, support a family. Maybe move out with my uncles in Mayo, take over one of their farms and live quielty in the country.

But there's this other thing: I struggle with sexuality. I am gay. I know some in the Church would like me to say "I struggle with same sex attraction" but that's not entirely the case. I am attracted to men. I just don't sleep with them. I don't sleep with them not because I think it's "Wrong" but because I want to fall in love, I want to find a mate, to settle down, to have a chance... without all the drama that seems to come with sex: not only gay sex, but straight sex. I thing think this is the wisdom of the Church's teaching as far as it goes. Sex messes things up because it's so powerful.

So ok...

The struggle is do I believe.

And if so, what?

And then what effect does that have on me? I may be back soon. I may not.