What now?

2006-12-04T03:51:00.000-08:00

The real issue is faith. If I say "I believe in one god" what does that mean? What is "believe in"? I used to believe in Santa Claus - but I don't any more. I used to believe in the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy and I don't any more.

Where are the lines between belief in Christ and the donnybrook of warring traditions in the churches? Can one believe in Christ without all this stuff? Does one need all this stuff at all? And yes - this touches on sex. Are the cultural taboos of the Ancient Hebrews "revealed of God" or are they just more of the traditions of men?

Alexander Schmemann says (in For the Life of the World? or maybe in something else?) that a marriage is not "permission to have sex." He never gets around to saying what *is* permission to have sex. For the protestants it is exactly that - a blessing to have sex and procreate. If a marriage is a mystery that makes a "little Church" then so is Adelphopoiesis: the issues is the *sex* part. And you know, most people have no imagination bcause for them sex boils down to "insert tab A into slot B" and when they think of gays they thing "OMG no! Not Slot C!" They have no imagination at all - and a total failure of understanding of the unative aspects of sex in all it's many forms: the unitive sex of cuddling in front of the TV, of holding hands in the car or in a theatre, the sex of casually leaning against each other in the grocery store.

And yet, if we're not careful, we loose all of these in the name of those who *Still* read "marriage" as permission to have sex.

And anytime sex happens - even leaning up against someone in the store - children happen. All truly unitive sex is procreative as well: something grows, something new is born, some new level of care and responsibility is developed. Failure to understand that is a failure to celebrate the Divine Gift of Sex that God gave us.

How can we move our warped, primitive understanding of sex to a more understood and understanding place - and still remain faithful to our Christ? We've learned to live with all other forms of science, in a way. Some of us even celebrate clearly the antecedents of our modern understanding of sex - accepting evolution and Freudianism in forms. So what causes them to draw a line in the sand saying "nope, not this! Anything but this!" If we are willing to ignore our faith in some things why do we still have faith in others?

Introduction

2006-12-03T06:25:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Seán. At least that's how it should be written. We'll stick with Sean, for now because I'd rather not have to type all the HTML needed to get á every time! It means "old" but it also means "John" - the youngest Apostle. Some folks call me "Sean Og" which means "Sean Junior". I don't have a dad named Sean, however. I think it's a joke - Sean Og also mean "Old Young".

Anyway. Sean it is.

I'm writing this to explore some stuff. My Family is Orthodox. I'm not "cradle" orthodox so much as "Kindergarden" Orthodox. But Close enough. The family got upset over the Church of Ireland ordaining women in 1991. Here I am. Here, of course, is not Ireland, any more. We're in New Jersey. I'm going to be vague because, naturally, there are not many Irish Orthodox convert families here, I don't mean to be outed just yet, thanks.

The name "Royal Struggle" would have been in Irish: Rí Rá. But, rira and ri-ra were both taken as blog names, so here it is As Bearla, as they say.

The struggle is what to believe. I'm not sure I believe anything. My parents want me to be a priest and, apart from the nice idea of a job for life, it seems silly to be trying to do something I don't believe. Or do I? What is belief? What is faith? It might help if I could just "go along". I could get a wife, father some children, support a family. Maybe move out with my uncles in Mayo, take over one of their farms and live quielty in the country.

But there's this other thing: I struggle with sexuality. I am gay. I know some in the Church would like me to say "I struggle with same sex attraction" but that's not entirely the case. I am attracted to men. I just don't sleep with them. I don't sleep with them not because I think it's "Wrong" but because I want to fall in love, I want to find a mate, to settle down, to have a chance... without all the drama that seems to come with sex: not only gay sex, but straight sex. I thing think this is the wisdom of the Church's teaching as far as it goes. Sex messes things up because it's so powerful.

So ok...

The struggle is do I believe.

And if so, what?

And then what effect does that have on me? I may be back soon. I may not.